Still alive
Feb. 23rd, 2011 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katrisims*waves*
Ummm... Yeah. I thought I'd peek in to note, I'm, you know, still alive and around.
I was looking forward to February, thinking it'd be an active month with a lot of writing, reading other people's stories, commenting, all the fun stuff. That's why I signed up for SimStoCremo, sort of last minute but I did. I knew I'd have real life stuff going on too and I wouldn't have all THAT much time to write, but I thought, well, "it doesn't hurt to try".
Well, as you might guess, it hasn't gone that great. In fact, I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll fail, miserably. As of today, I have less than fifty slides written, and the chapter's most likely be around, I don't know, 150. With my writing style I never know beforehand. But with the same writing style, I know I'm nowhere near finishing.
So what is it then? Why am I going to fail? The thing is, there's no reason really. No real life drama, no deadline anxiety, no nothing. In fact, when it comes to real life, I've had a nice time recently. And as for simming-wise, I had everything I needed in the beginning of the month. I had all the pictures, an outline, everything. It's just that... the words don't come out.
Really, it's like pulling teeth. Lately, I've gotten like a slide written per day, and that's on a good day. There are days when I don't even open the chapter, because I Just Don't Feel Like It. "What's the point", I think to myself "I'll maybe get a half a slide written and then quit anyway" and go do something else. When I do get something written I'm not happy with the result. The plotty scenes, which I usually like best, are the worst offenders, I just don't seem to get those right.
I can't exactly put a finger on it, but I suspect that it has partly to do with the plot I have in mind. Although it all seemed so brilliant in my head some time ago, there are things that are so damn hard to fit. For instance, I'm really having trouble writing heartbreak. Combining the fact that this person is supposed to be all sad and miserable, to the point of despair, and the fact that I'd still need to get things like reasonable discussions out of this person... well, that doesn't really seem to work for me. A character that just mopes around gets old and boring pretty fast, but I don't want them to seem unnaturally cheerful or calm either. Another character is supposed to find out that someone they love has done something pretty terrible (not really on purpose though) years and years back. Because of what needs to happen, they need to forgive what happened, but somehow I've started to ponder whether that's at all plausible. Dunno, maybe I'm just sick of all the self-blaming and forgiveness going around in the story lately. "It's all my fault!" "It's okay, you didn't mean it, and think of it, if you hadn't X, then Y would probably have happened anyway, or even worse, Z could have happened!" Blah.
So that sort of problems. And with all this, I feel like I'm repeating myself, even though this plot has felt so new and exciting until not so long ago.
As I haven't really felt like writing (or playing either, even though I couldn't exactly play much further right now so I don't get too far ahead), I've been doing Other Things. I've been reading Moby Dick, and even more, I've been playing Another Game, namely Portal. Just completed it a few days ago. (If you have, too, you might notice that I couldn't resist the title. ;) ) It hasn't exactly helped my writing that early in February I got myself unstuck and found myself addicted again, but on the other hand it's given me something fun to do while I otherwise would have stared at my empty slides and felt frustrated. I'm not sure if I haven't been writing because I've been playing, or if I have been playing because I haven't been writing. Either way, it's been fun playing.
So all in all, maybe I'm not all that sad that writing hasn't really happened. I've done other things and it's been fun. My first SimStoCreMo might not exactly end up being a triumph (Yes I feel so clever right now, why do you ask? Maybe I should just go to bed...), but well, I hereby officially give myself the permission to fail. Any writing that happens is a plus, and eventually I'll finish it, one way or another. Would have been nice to get it done in February but well, such is life.
So, that's what's going on. As a final note, I know I also haven't been commenting on LJ, I've been reading but haven't felt up to posting anything. When I get my butt in gear I'll have some catching up to do with story comments. Just to let you know, I have been reading and I have been enjoying, but I'll get to the commenting later. Promise. :)
Alright. Sorry about rambling so long and rather aimlessly, getting that off my chest sure felt good. Now I think I'll go try to write today's half a slide, and then I'd better head to bed. G'night!
Ummm... Yeah. I thought I'd peek in to note, I'm, you know, still alive and around.
I was looking forward to February, thinking it'd be an active month with a lot of writing, reading other people's stories, commenting, all the fun stuff. That's why I signed up for SimStoCremo, sort of last minute but I did. I knew I'd have real life stuff going on too and I wouldn't have all THAT much time to write, but I thought, well, "it doesn't hurt to try".
Well, as you might guess, it hasn't gone that great. In fact, I'm pretty sure at this point that I'll fail, miserably. As of today, I have less than fifty slides written, and the chapter's most likely be around, I don't know, 150. With my writing style I never know beforehand. But with the same writing style, I know I'm nowhere near finishing.
So what is it then? Why am I going to fail? The thing is, there's no reason really. No real life drama, no deadline anxiety, no nothing. In fact, when it comes to real life, I've had a nice time recently. And as for simming-wise, I had everything I needed in the beginning of the month. I had all the pictures, an outline, everything. It's just that... the words don't come out.
Really, it's like pulling teeth. Lately, I've gotten like a slide written per day, and that's on a good day. There are days when I don't even open the chapter, because I Just Don't Feel Like It. "What's the point", I think to myself "I'll maybe get a half a slide written and then quit anyway" and go do something else. When I do get something written I'm not happy with the result. The plotty scenes, which I usually like best, are the worst offenders, I just don't seem to get those right.
I can't exactly put a finger on it, but I suspect that it has partly to do with the plot I have in mind. Although it all seemed so brilliant in my head some time ago, there are things that are so damn hard to fit. For instance, I'm really having trouble writing heartbreak. Combining the fact that this person is supposed to be all sad and miserable, to the point of despair, and the fact that I'd still need to get things like reasonable discussions out of this person... well, that doesn't really seem to work for me. A character that just mopes around gets old and boring pretty fast, but I don't want them to seem unnaturally cheerful or calm either. Another character is supposed to find out that someone they love has done something pretty terrible (not really on purpose though) years and years back. Because of what needs to happen, they need to forgive what happened, but somehow I've started to ponder whether that's at all plausible. Dunno, maybe I'm just sick of all the self-blaming and forgiveness going around in the story lately. "It's all my fault!" "It's okay, you didn't mean it, and think of it, if you hadn't X, then Y would probably have happened anyway, or even worse, Z could have happened!" Blah.
So that sort of problems. And with all this, I feel like I'm repeating myself, even though this plot has felt so new and exciting until not so long ago.
As I haven't really felt like writing (or playing either, even though I couldn't exactly play much further right now so I don't get too far ahead), I've been doing Other Things. I've been reading Moby Dick, and even more, I've been playing Another Game, namely Portal. Just completed it a few days ago. (If you have, too, you might notice that I couldn't resist the title. ;) ) It hasn't exactly helped my writing that early in February I got myself unstuck and found myself addicted again, but on the other hand it's given me something fun to do while I otherwise would have stared at my empty slides and felt frustrated. I'm not sure if I haven't been writing because I've been playing, or if I have been playing because I haven't been writing. Either way, it's been fun playing.
So all in all, maybe I'm not all that sad that writing hasn't really happened. I've done other things and it's been fun. My first SimStoCreMo might not exactly end up being a triumph (Yes I feel so clever right now, why do you ask? Maybe I should just go to bed...), but well, I hereby officially give myself the permission to fail. Any writing that happens is a plus, and eventually I'll finish it, one way or another. Would have been nice to get it done in February but well, such is life.
So, that's what's going on. As a final note, I know I also haven't been commenting on LJ, I've been reading but haven't felt up to posting anything. When I get my butt in gear I'll have some catching up to do with story comments. Just to let you know, I have been reading and I have been enjoying, but I'll get to the commenting later. Promise. :)
Alright. Sorry about rambling so long and rather aimlessly, getting that off my chest sure felt good. Now I think I'll go try to write today's half a slide, and then I'd better head to bed. G'night!
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no subject
Date: Feb. 27th, 2011 01:41 pm (UTC)Meh, I've failed Simstocremo myself, but I blame my laptop crapping out on me and the drama that followed *shifty*
And I get what you mean with plot that you thought before was great but then... I don't know, it's like you become too familiar with it and it's not so shiny any more and then you don't know why? Something like that. But you wind up writing it just because there's something newer or shinier you want to get to later :)
Hope you come around more soon!
no subject
Date: Feb. 27th, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)Yeah, maybe it's about the plot becoming more familiar. It's the good old "but it sounded so great in my head" -syndrome. I'm also kind of noticing these parallels in the current plot and my past ones, and I don't really like that; I wouldn't want to think that I'm repeating myself. Oh well, I'll get past it one way or another...
Anyway, thanks, I hope I'll come around soon too. :)